There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
