Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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