She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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