Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
