Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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