Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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