My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
