I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Randomize
