dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
