I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
