Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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