I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
