I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
