I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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