There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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