Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Did I show you my penis last night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Pooping to opera.
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