I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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