In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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