Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This show inspires me to have sex in space
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
