It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
