You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
pray to the hookup gods
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
