The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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