We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
