my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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