her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
