you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
