I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
