She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
