Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
