Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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