Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
