oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
