she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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