So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She bit a glass in half.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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