yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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