Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
