the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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