So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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