Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
