I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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