the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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