He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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