i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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