She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
