I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
