My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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