The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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