When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
