I hope mine doesn't look like that
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
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