Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
