maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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